Thursday, May 15, 2014

Kundalini Awakening


Yes!.. I believe in God .

I believe in God and that doesn’t mean I wake up at 3 in morning clean up religiously and do all the poojas that are there in the book.

I don’t go to temple every Tuesday and Friday(OR ANY DAY FOR THAT MATTER) or worse have a temple in my own house and do abishekam every alternative day like my mom.I don’t know even a single Sanskrit sloka or even tamil prayers apart from the few which were taught to me in school as prayer.

I do show a lot of interest in learning them (read as want to learn) merely as a part of my soul education and as a history of hinduism instead of using them as mantras for prayers like my mom.

The first thing that comes to my mind as soon was wake up is not God and I don’t have to tell you that it is not the last either.
I don’t like going to temples. Yes, I really don’t like going to temples except for those which are rich in history and geography (if so). I am a history lover and that is what will interest me.

So where am I getting at?

I will tell you. For some one as good as an atheist except for an excuse of laziness how did I get a chance like that? Something, that really changed my point of view regarding life. Something, that made the present me who from that incident started to search feverishly for answers.

This happened to me few months back, about an year ago.

It was that time of the year when we take a festival for our family temple.

Ours is quite a great temple and is still worshipped by the whole lot of our family and kin which will work out about 300- 400 people. It will be a three day affair which will start with..well I don’t want to bore you with details. Let us go straight to the point.
From my childhood days the village, the temple and the goddess in there held a special place in my heart. It was always like visiting an old friend. Yes I regarded our goddess only as a friend and I felt awkward worshipping, for I knew not how to do it solemnly like others.

I just used to close my eyes and ask in my mind “So have you been?..I have been very naughty..”

It was a grand affair this year. A special festival after doing the ‘kumbabishek’(4th) which was when I had released my first book ever- A thalapuranam (history) of our temple and the goddess.

This time around I had put myself in other humble jobs like painting big motifs and kolams in the newly laid stone corridor.
Let us fast forward to the day of the incident, which was the last day of the festival.

The last pooja was under progress and they had closed the veil for dressing up the idol (which is a specialty in our temple, since our particular pujari will create new avatars of the goddess every time).

With a deep anticipation of what avatar it was going to be this time, everybody sat watching the closed screen singing devotional songs.

I was feeling weird the whole hour. There was singing and big ‘mrithangas’ (drums) being playing beside us and the long fluted ‘nathaswaram’ was being playing alongside. The famous ‘urumi maelam’ was also played.

I usually enjoy this kind of music I even sing some numbers for the crowd, but today it was all wrong. I don’t know when exactly it started or what triggered it. But all of a sudden I felt like I was watching everything from somewhere outside me but still felt like I was totally inside me. I know it sounds weird but that’s the closest I can explain it about.
Slowly I was getting all closed in.

The music getting distant and distant and yet so vibrant that I could feel my body slowly thumbing.

My eardrums became numb, my fingers and body became numb but hot.

I felt so hot but not sweating. My heart that was the weirdest thing. I felt something like I never felt before.

It was getting faster and faster but very rhythmic like a pop music? I donno..

My vision was getting blurred and I shut my eyes tight.

I was thumbing inside me like I was taken on a huge elephant ride and it was dancing. i felt some strong force in all of me from all direction outside to the inside of me.. to the core..up..from below.

It was like..let me try to explain it for you..imagining my body as a hollow machine… this vibrant energy or whatever it was filling in the hollow valves and pushing in and in and as it moved in, the outer parts were cut off or closed out..

The thing was pushing me in and in and I would have feared that I might burst out of compression. The heart was palpitating harder and harder.

Then I felt like I had suddenly become light , very light and was floating above all or became an invertebrate I don’t know but I was slogging in all directions.

It was like I was pulled into something..some very strong current so fast very fast that it made me giddy. I was not aware of my own self and yet was a little aware..I wanted to get out of that experience..that trance or whatever that was for I was clearly scared and shaken.

Suddenly the more dominant part of me which had taken a silent ride until now came for my rescue and it pulled me to reality..I remember it very clearly.

It was like making a big a quick but long journey..I slowly started to hear voices and the thumbing music again. It was deafening now. But my heart was thumbing louder and harder than that. I could feel my skin hot with a touch and my limbs especially my back or spine suddenly weakened and pained.

It was returning..whatever happened to me hadn’t left me totally. It was coming again..this time I felt it much more clearly..
It was like pulling you up and it was sucking you up..That feeling made my head ache..

My body became more compliant to the feel that it started to slowly shake. The real me(whatever I mean by that I don’t know) pulled me again and this time I came out in a split second and was shocked to see people staring at me.

The music was still deafening.

I wanted to cry so badly for making a show or for some unknown reason, I don’t know.
I took off from the temple and ran into our family house nearby. My mom who had seen me from the beginning came running behind me (which I was not aware of).

I slumped into the couch and cried my guts out. My uncle (my mom’s brother) came and asked my mom about me.

She told that she didn’t know anything. Back in the temple she had tried to talk to me to which I was oblivious and had shut down totally from outside. people kept talking to me and calling me all of which had not reached my ears. Suddenly I had started to move rhythmically and My mom and the few sitting close by thought that I had gotten into a trance. ‘saamiyadal’ we call it in our side which simply means that god had entered into me.

During these kind of festivals generally many suddenly get into trance and will start dancing around with closed eyes and making hissing sounds (to push out the hot air or energy that was building up inside, I suppose) and laughing hysterically or crying and become the centre of attraction. I can write a whole blog on relating their behaviors.

They used to dance along and I used to make funny remarks at them. I even used to mock at them. Now, I felt quite embarrassed then on acting like one of them.

I was still crying when my uncle came near me and placed his hands over my head.
He quickly took his hands off and stared at me.. “My goodness girl உச்சி துடிக்குதுமா உனக்கு” (ur top of the head is pulsing heavily).
Whatever he meant by that i didn't understand.
He quitely regarded me for some time and smiled..”You are lucky my dear girl.”

“what should I do?.. I feel like crying..” I was still crying that I could hardly see his face through my tears. My whole body was aching, especially my head. I couldn’t say anything to him, in fact I didn’t know how to explain it then. Even here I sat for sometime before writing it down and brought down memories that are not so clear. The experience itself was not very systematic. I just tried to relate it as possible as I could.

he said” Don’t cry my dear..Don’t cry..”

“What is this thing?” I asked him for which he said.

“Find it out. Find it out by yourself. You will get it soon.”

I don't know whether he said that to pacify me or he didn't know how to explain it to me.
But that opened up a new path for me.

Then on I had used so much of my free time (when I was not loitering around lazily
) into this matter. This experience I had not disclosed to anyone except my mom, uncle and husband and now you all.

I had then on went about learning stuff like these.

I did read many an experience like these, but most of them I just couldn’t take. I searched out for a scientific reason for this experience.

I read few web pages telling me that it was kind of migraine, head problem. Psyochotic … neurotic ..blah blah..blah problems. Some even hinted on HB imbalance.

And some advised about an incoming psychological disorder.
But nothing(symptoms) was close enough to what I had experienced except this one page which I stumbled upon quite accidentally.

One day while on my research (read as googling with incoherent keywords) I came across this page.

It talked about a person’s experience on kundalini awakening and guess what? it related very closely to my experience.
It could have been an accidental kundalini awakening, as per that guy.

I read more on kundalini now.

It is said that kundalini is the life energy. The energy of consciousness. The very energy of us if only we realize it and awaken it we will achieve the true abilities of being us.

It has tremendous advantages and it is nothing beyond science. In fact it is a beautiful science.

So I liked the notion of getting a good explanation on this. But it said that for an accidental kundalini awakening to happen something must have triggered you to lose your emotion called ego.

The split second you let go of your ego, you might get the glimpse of the awakening, Which might occur in situations like for example divorce or losing a very loved one and something like that(these in western terms).

But what about me?
Letting go of ego? Isn't that something saints do? Wasn't that supposed to be too hard to achieve. But emotional imbalance might trigger it sometimes.

I was far from that. I was sitting inside a temple and I was really quite a happy human being.A very happy human being at that.So,what could have caused my ego to vanish for a second.

I clearly am not a non ego person(for confirmation I just scrolled up and read – see how many ‘I’s I have used in the last few lines)

Whatever really happened is still a mystery. But what caught my attention was that there is a possibility of actually having a scientific explanation for all those trance like experiences..

So though not 100% sure(human mind will never be) on whether it certainly was a accidental partial kundalini awakening..I still regard this as a point in my life which had tried to reveal something to me and urged me to make myself proceed towards the higher possibilities.

Having said all that,now tell me..What made ME a good candidate to get an 'all free accidental partial kundalini awakening??'(if it really was that)
My karma?? whatever that was do tell me dear friends..

Kundalini awakening anybody???

இனிய மலர்
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